i couldn't stay away, i couldn't fight it
by not.so.tragically
Summary: \\blue eyes that held hurricanes only minutes before are calm, like the aftermath [companion piece to 'you see me standing']


_". . .i had hoped you'd see my_

 _face_ _and that you be reminded_

 _that for me, it isn't over. . ."_

* * *

The first time Riley sees Maya after high school, she didn't even think it was her. The girl that was standing on the table, singing her heart out, did not look like the one that she used to know. She thought, in all honesty, two years after high school Maya would've only gotten more rebellious without Riley to bring her back. But, that was only wrong in a sense. The girl—woman dancing on the table was wild, but in a different way. Every move suggested freedom but the orderly kind, the kind that's not easy to tame but can be reigned.

She watches in rapture as Maya jumps from one table to another, swinging her hips to a song that came out when they were in middle school. Maya's shirt rises just enough for Riley to catch sight of a tattoo that sits just underneath her rib cage, which raises the number to three tattoos that Riley's counted. Her hair is now a pale pink that rolls down to her hips and her eyes still hold the fierceness they did in high school. She drops to her knees on the table, whipping her hair around as the music pauses and the audience cheers.

Riley came to the bar to drown her sorrows after her fight with Lucas, but seeing Maya on that stage, made her feel worse for some reason.

Every few seconds Maya's eyes will flit back over to the bartender and she'll smirk. A customer easily carries her off the table and back onto the floor as the song draws to a close.

Maya finally catches Riley's form leaving as she finishes the last chorus.

"She's so gone."

—

 _i've heard that_ _your_

 _dreams came true_

—

When Lucas sees Maya for the first time since graduation, he's in total shock.

He was stuck behind a light while she was standing outside an art gallery, smiling for a picture. He wondered why until he noticed her name on a poster, she was being featured or exhibited or showed or whatever it was called. It was her work that would be hung on the walls of MOMA, people would come to see what she had painted.

She stopped posing and began grinning as girl came off the sidewalk and began kissing her cheek. They were taking another picture. Lucas was unsure if she was just a friend or something more, but it was clear that Maya was comfortable.

Her smile seemed to light up the overcast skies of New York City, like she became the sunlight all by herself.

It was no surprise to him that she would make it big one day, yet it was a big surprise that he hadn't heard of it directly from her or Riley. He thought even after all that had happened, she'd still tell them if something this huge was going on.

Her eyes brightened when a different girl took the former's spot next to her. She wrapped her arm across Maya's shoulders and Maya simply laid her hand on her wrist.

Maya looked exactly the same, yet completely different all at the same time. Her smile appeared to be more genuine then it was years ago. The same girl who appeared to be so small, though still the same height, looked so much bigger to him. There was a grace in the way she stood, in the way she ran her hand through her hair. She adopted a few tattoos but instead of looking rough, they looked dainty, like they belonged on her skin.

Her eyes flitted up for a second, and it was like she caught him staring before traffic moved and he drove away.

—

 _who would have known how_

 _bittersweet this would taste?_

—

When Maya told them that she needed time alone, time to be by herself, their initial reaction was hurt. Maya had been their friend for years, Riley's friend for even longer. How could she tell them she needed to be alone?

It was obvious Maya was going through something that neither of them could understand, but that didn't mean she had to stop being their friend. Riley could still remember how straight her face was, her voice was hard, like she was conducting business. She tried to look for signs that it was hurting Maya just as much to say it as it was for her to listen to, and she couldn't find any. Maya's lip didn't quiver, her hands didn't tremble, her gaze was fixed on their faces. Then, she didn't worry. It couldn't be long before Maya came back to them.

It would only take a few days for her to realize that without Riley in her life, everything would be chaos. And, suddenly, it wasn't. Maya didn't even look back. From the outside, it seemed as if she had started all over. She dated guys Riley had never even heard of, and even a few girls. She dyed her hair sometimes, tried out new looks, went up and down on her behavior.

Maya was all over the map.

Lucas thought Maya was just joking. It was had to be a joke, and in a few days she would say "Gotcha!" and everything would go back to normal. But, it never came. And neither did Maya. She was everywhere, yet no where at the same time. He'd see her at school, and never anywhere else. He heard stories, never anything too bad, just rumors about her exploits. Some proved to be true, even the ones about her dating girls.

He was confused, honestly. Evidently, Maya had been drawing away from them before, and still, he never thought that she'd tell them she couldn't see them anymore. Maya took her freedom to every extent. She made new friends, changed her hair multiple times, got honor roll one semester and barely passed her classes the other.

It was like she was born again, trying to figure out what it was that she wanted.

—

 _i've heard that you're settled_

 _down,_ _that you've found a guy_

—

Riley returns to her seat just as Maya walks in the door of the restaurant. Her face is resting in a smile, like that's just how it's supposed to be. But, that's not the first thing Riley sees. It's the man that's whispering in her ear. The conversation seems private by the way Maya's face takes a reddish tinge and she hits his bicep. She looks offended, but Riley sees the way the hand that hit him slides into his palm.

This time, she catches Riley's eye early on and Riley expects her to turn away. What surprises her is when Maya walks over to her table, smiling.

"Oh, hey. I saw you from across the restaurant and I wasn't sure if it was you, but I figured it couldn't hurt to check and see." Looking over the rest of her table, her eyes brighten. "Oh my fucking gosh, Zay! I didn't know you were in town already! Farkle!" The aforementioned boys jump up and wrap her in their arms.

Zay looks slightly sheepish. "I just got in a few hours ago, I was going to call you as soon as dinner was through. I was actually hoping to catch you at the gallery tonight."

"Tomorrow night." She smiles and then turns to Farkle. "And you, you're a doctor!"

Farkle blushes a bit at the mention of his title. "Yeah, I am." He's too surprised by Maya's presence to form better sentences.

"How's Isadora?"

"She's good, great actually. She's going back to school for her second Ph.D, so I'm watching over the business."

When Farkle and Zay take their seats again, Maya steps back and looks over to Riley and Lucas. "Hey." An awkward beat passes between them before the man standing next to her clears his throat. "Oh, shit, sorry. Elijah, you've already met Zay, and that's Farkle, Riley and Lucas. They're old friends from high school. Um, this is Elijah." She looks up at him and takes a breath before saying, "My fiancée."

Riley's eyes eventually zero in on the engagement ring sitting on Maya's ring finger. It looks normal, you wouldn't catch it if you weren't looking for it, and it surprises Riley a little bit. Maya was barely twenty-four, and she was already getting married.

Elijah smiled as he reached over and shook hands with Zay, "Glad to finally see you again, Isaiah." There's a that tattoo covers most of his forearm and stops just near his wrist. Right in the middle of his bare wrist, there was small heart with a lowercase 'm' next to it. It matched the one with an 'e' on Maya's wrist. Greeting the rest of them with waves and handshakes, Elijah stands back next to Maya. He was significantly taller than Maya, with dark hair that contrasted sharply with her platinum blonde hair. Looking to his right, Elijah sees their waiter standing by an empty table. "Ducky, I think our table's ready."

Cheeks darkening at Elijah's public use of his nickname for her, Maya waves him off and turns back to her former friends. "Okay, Li. I know it's extremely last minute, but our wedding's on Sunday and just know that you're welcome to come if you'd like. Zay knows where it is." Walking off with Elijah, Maya gives a wave and follows him to their table.

All eyes turn to Zay who drops stares back blankly. "I wonder if they serve french fries here. Waiter?"

Riley rolls her eyes and leans over the table. "I can't believe that you didn't tell us that you still talked to her after all these years."

Lucas, however, seems more concerned with her impending nuptials. "I can't believe that you didn't tell us she was getting married."

But, Zay who looked embarrassed before, now looked annoyed. "It wasn't for me to tell you. I am just as much Maya's friend as I am yours, and I won't talk about her to you guys, because we don't talk about you guys ever. Your names have never come up. I love Maya and," He pauses before glancing back at her. "She's happy now."

—

 _sometimes it lasts in love,_

 _sometimes it hurts instead_

—

Maya's pacing around the room, frantically running her hand through hair. Looking up at her friend she sighed, "Something's wrong, something's off, I don't know what it is."

"Maya, I know you believe in your "premonition, bad things are coming soon" sixth sense, and I do too—but, this is your wedding day and you're not even dressed!" Violet threw her hands up in disbelief. Stepping in Maya's path, she grabs her shoulders. "Listen to me, Maya. Nobody understands your intuition thing more than I do, but not today, not today. Repeat after me: not today."

"But, Vi—" Violet's brown eyes turned stern and Maya quieted at the look she received from her. "Not today."

Smiling, she released Maya's shoulders and pointed the white dress on the bed. "Get dressed, as much as I know you and Eli love your weird public indecency, 'let's have sex everywhere' relationship I don't think it would appreciated today." Walking towards the door, Violet looks back at Maya over her shoulder. "Enjoy yourself, love, it's your wedding day."

Maya knew that Violet understood, she was one of the only people who got it. As Maya got older she realized that she could sort of understand when bad things were going to happen. When Maya went to her mom about it, Katy told her that it was a gift Hart women had. Katy's grandmother knew when Katy's father was going to leave; Katy knew when Maya's father was going to leave. It honestly would've been better if her mother told her that she was crazy. She didn't want to know when bad things were going to happen, she wanted to live in blissful ignorance sometimes.

The feeling wouldn't go away. Not as Maya put her dress on, not as her hair was done, not as she fixed her jewelry. It was just sitting in the room. Eventually, it began to suffocate her. Just as Maya began dry-heaving into a trash can, Violet popped her head in.

"Love?"

"Yeah?" Her voice echoed from the inside of the can.

"Do you know anybody named Lucas?"

Her head shot up from the can, and Maya rose off of her knees. "Why?"

"Because he's demanding that he talks to you right now. He says it's urgent." Violet taps her nails against the door, waiting on Maya's answer.

"Let him in Vi."

Nodding, Violet walks away and another person takes her place. "Maya?"

Her eyes set on him, taking in his slightly disheveled appearance. He was wearing a suit and tie, but his hair was unkempt and there were bags under his eyes.

"Are you okay? You look like you've been hit by a truck or something." She easily makes her feelings known.

Lucas chuckles, "I guess not everything's changed, huh?" As a thick silence passes between them, he realizes her face is unreadable and he wonders if she's always been able to hide her emotions so well. "You look beautiful."

"I know." Scratching the back of his neck, Lucas sighs, dropping his eyes to the floor. "Why are you here?" It didn't come out hard or rude, it was soft and genuine.

"You invited us."

Giving him a pointed look, Maya crosses her arms over her chest. "Why are you here, Sundance?"

"It's been a while since I've heard that." Lucas smiles, his anxious green eyes meeting the storms in her blue ones. "It sounds a bit foreign now, huh?"

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Maya exhales. "One last time before I call Violet, why are you here?"

Stepping closer to her, he runs a hand through his hair. "I missed you." When Maya doesn't respond, he keeps going. "I have missed you a lot. All those years ago..." Her face wrings up in confusion, so he tries a different approach. "I know that a long time has passed..." Lucas realizes he's not getting anywhere, so he just lays it out.

"I'm still in love with you, Maya. I know it's been 6 years since I've last seen you and it's not fair for me to come back here and tell you that, but I do. I can't stop thinking of you. I can't stop thinking about how I messed in high school, letting you go was stupid, it was a mistake. I wanted to be with you—I still want to be with you. I love you."

Maya remains passive for a few seconds, finally exhaling in relief. "Good, I knew something bad was going to happen today, but I had no clue, and I thought it would've been Eli, but it's not, it's you." She's chuckling as she says it and then realizes how it sounds. "Lucas, I didn't mean it like that, but I know you aren't seriously expecting me to just run away with you, right?"

When he doesn't answer her, Maya drops her head in her hands and groans. She's silent for what feels like forever and then looks back into his eyes. "No."

"No?" Lucas repeats.

"No."

"What? Maya, I love you, I need you."

"No," She fights the urge to run an agitated hand through her styled hair. "You—" Stopping, she decides to choose her words carefully. "I thought that you chose Riley because I told you too, but the truth is you chose Riley because you wanted to. I deserve to be fought for, I am worth something, I am not just the best friend who gets picked as an afterthought."

"And Elijah, the man waiting for me at the altar, my fiancée, he picked me. He picked me first, over everything, over his ex-girlfriend, over his job, over his sister, he picked me without any hesitation. And it took me a while, but I realized that is what I should have had from the beginning. To be picked, to be wanted, to be needed, without a second thought. I am picking Eli. I love him."

"But, Maya..." Lucas trails off, pacing around the room, placing his hands on his hips he stops in front of her. "I, uhm, I can't—I don't know what to say. I just—I love you."

" _And I loved you._ I loved you! Did you really think that I didn't?" Her voice begins to rise as she grows frustrated with his repetition of the declaration. "I loved you through everything, until it almost ripped me apart! That's how much I loved you. I loved you until I couldn't think about you without wanting to grab the nearest bottle of brandy."

"I loved you too, Maya. I need you, I needed you then, and I need you now. Please. Please, I love you, don't walk away from me." He whispers, taking her hands in his.

Jumping away, she sucks in a sharp breath. "You didn't—you didn't love me enough to choose me." Turning to face the mirror on the wall, she looks at her hands. "You broke me. I was, I was, I was dying. I didn't know what I was doing for weeks, months. And then I was okay, I learned to be on my own. So when Elijah came I didn't have to question if I was with him because I loved him or because I was lonely." Licking her teeth, she continues, "I know that you're still with Riley, I can see that, but you need to ask yourself: are you with her because you love her or is it because you're afraid to be alone? Don't confuse fear with love."

Grabbing her bouquet, Maya finally feels the tension leave her shoulders. Walking back to him, she cups his cheek with her hand, sliding her thumb right under his eye. Her hands are warm, yet he still shivers at her touch. The blue eyes that held hurricanes only minutes before are calm, like the aftermath.

"I'm gonna tell you what my mom told me. Making choices is like having unprotected sex with a one night stand: sometimes you'll pick the wrong person and when you wake up, you can't change what you did, all you can do is take the morning-after pill, pick up your clothes, what's left of your dignity and move on."

She presses a kiss to his cheek and walks to the door and she hears him whisper, "I hope he makes you happy."

Nodding, she steps out. Shutting the door behind her, Maya looks down at the tattoo on her wrist. "I pick you."

—

* * *

 **I am finished !**

 **This is 3k+ words! Which is funny because I haven't updated any of my WIPs and I just made an ao3, and started a series on there. What am I even doing with my life. I might not update with a while because I suck as a person and as a student and I'm too stressed out to keep up with what I'm doing here, much less in my real life.**

 **But, I love y'all and I'll be back when I can.**

 **xoxoxo, Minnie**


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